I don't know how to say this.

I don't know how to articulate what it is I feel right now.

I don't even know what I'm feeling, so how am I supposed to describe it?

I hated leaving yesterday. I hated watching my friend walk away after such an awesome day spent laughing and reminiscing and planning and singing and laughing some more. I felt like my heart was so... burdened. Knowing he wasn't happy, and knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. I can try as much as I want to convince him to come here instead of being there, but unless he truly wants to, nothing will happen.

I understand that being there is a great option for academics for him, and for financial reasons. But hearing the words "This was my best day here" as we were leaving... at that point I realized that there is definitely a huge gap between what he's living in, and what could make him so happy. He's an awesome person and a great friend, truly. And it makes me hurt to know that he hurts.

Maybe there's something more in my heart. Maybe it's my own heart that wants him to come here so I can have him around. But is that so bad of a reason? I wish every day could be like yesterday. I miss my friend, and when I see no logical reason for him to stay where he is, I wonder why he hasn't started trying to change his situation. The more people I encounter, the more I realize the high value and rarity of true friends, and I really think he's one of mine.

So why am I this upset about this situation? Do I feel something that I don't want to admit, and that bottled up emotion is creeping out and only upsetting me more?

I don't know. I don't have any clue what I feel and that only upsets me more.

So for now, I'll keep my mouth shut and listen to my heart as it breaks for his misery.