Love

Love.

Do I think teenagers my age are capable of loving another person? Yes. That includes in the friendship sense, or the family sense, or possibly even to love a boyfriend or girlfriend. However, all of this comes only after we learn how to love without expectations.

In my own generation, I’ve observed that we always want to have some kind of reward for our actions. We want some recognition, some favor, some attention, or some material prize. If we aren’t 100% positive that we’ll receive one of those things in return, then we don’t usually do what has been asked of us. The same is true in my generation’s perspective on love. When we love another person, we expect them to love us back. For example, if we drive hours just to see them for a few minutes, we expect them to do the same for us. If we are willing to do “love” the popular crowd and supposedly show them the light of Jesus, we expect them to take us in and make us popular (but most times we won’t admit that hidden motive to ourselves or anyone else). If we give someone a compliment, we expect them to give us one back. If we go out of our way to support them and encourage them, we expect them to willingly lift us up as well.

We think that if our love isn’t requited and returned in a way that is beneficial to us, then it isn’t deserved or merited by the person we’re giving it to. Not only is this extremely selfish; it’s simply not how God defines love. Real love isn’t just something we claim to have for only the people who will return it. True love as God defines it is loving someone even when we know we won’t get anything at all in return.

Think of Jesus. He came into the world knowing that he would ultimately die at the hands of people who called him a liar and a fake. He expected that he was going to be persecuted by doubters; he knew in advance that he would not only get nothing in return, but that he would be mocked. Did that stop him from loving them? No.

But think of that in today’s terms, in terms of yourself. Let’s say you’re a high school student. There’s a new kid that comes to your school from who knows where. He/she wears the weirdest, tackiest clothes you’ve ever seen. They talk nonstop, and they ramble on about absolutely nothing that interests you or anyone else you know. They don’t really have a place where they fit in, and it’s obvious when they still don’t have any friends after being at your school for a month or two. You see them around school , always alone, and you think to yourself that they probably scared off anyone who tried to befriend them just because they were different or they weren’t “in” crowd material.
One day you see this person in the lunchroom (yes, I know this is the stereotypical, cliché situation that you’re probably presented with in church, but just keep reading so I can hopefully prove my point). They’re sitting there eating their lunch, alone. You happen to glance in their direction and notice that they seem to be upset and then you notice that they’re crying. The friends you’re sitting with at your own table see the person too, and they make a joke that insensitively refers to the person’s “emo” nature. You can’t bring yourself to laugh at their joke because you suddenly feel sorry for that person. Compassion kicks in and you feel like you should go say something to encourage that person, or at least find out what’s wrong. You know that if you get up, your friends are going to make a joke about you, and they’ll probably make fun of you about it for weeks. At this point, you have two choices. You can get up and reach out to the lonely person, knowing that they can offer you nothing in return… or you can sit back and tell yourself that because you won’t get any benefit out of going to talk to them, then it’s not worth it, so you shouldn’t do it. If you get up and go to them, they can’t give you anything in return because they themselves are broken. If you are showing God’s love to that person, then you won’t expect them to give you anything in return if you get up and talk to them.

Getting up and talking to them would be a perfect example of loving without expectations. You realize that you probably won’t benefit by showing love to the other person. In fact you could be hurt. But loving without expectations is having the humility and compassion to do it anyway.
Lately I’ve been struggling with being single. I look around at my numerous friends who are going on dates and having seemingly successful relationships. I won’t lie, I find myself getting jealous of them. I start to wonder what is wrong with me, and why I can’t be loved and desired like that. But you know, I think I can apply my loving without expectation principle here as well. If I like a guy as more than a friend, I go out of my way to be charming and friendly. I tell myself that I’m going to learn to love them as “just a friend.” But the problem is, even though I tell myself that it’s just going to be a friendship, in my heart I expect him to “love” me in return. I expect that he’s going to feel the same deeper attraction toward me as I do to him, and when he doesn’t, I get frustrated because my expectations weren’t met. Was that ever real love? Or was it just me looking for some kind of temporary benefit through fulfillment of my selfish desires?

So, in all reality, when we love with expectations, it isn’t love at all. Loving without expectations requires that we stop thinking about our own selfish desires and love someone because they need our attention and compassion more than we do ourselves. Loving without expectations takes more humility than I have.

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:1-4