Worth the risk

Dear ______,
I’m probably a little foolish to be writing this instead of listening to a calculus discussion, but I feel like maybe if I pour out everything that’s been trapped inside my head, then maybe I’ll feel a little less like a ticking time bomb that could go off at any second.

This whole declaration might get a little poetic and flowery, but, I mean, words are my only source of power here. They’re the best way I know how to make sense of the jumbled up mess floating around in my heart.

Every day I find myself wishing that things could be how they used to be, wishing you were a part of my everyday routine. You’re my friend, but my heart is on the edge of feeling so much for you. It’s as if the feelings I have for you are in a dark room in the innermost core of my heart, and the door of that room is only barely cracked open. The emotions are dying to escape, but they’re held back by the unwavering floodgates of my rational reasoning. I want so badly to experience them, but I think I’m afraid. Fear is drowning out the small bit of courage that I wish would prevail. You are everything I’ve waited for, but I’ve never had, nor will I probably ever have enough courage to tell you that.

Last night you were all I could think about. I drifted off into thoughts of you nearly every free second I had. This morning, every time I sigh, it’s only because I’m at such a loss as to what I should do. Staying silent feels like there’s something eating away at me, and yet I can’t figure out how to muster up enough courage to say something and tell you how I feel. Maybe if I found the strength to speak up, the door of that room in my heart would be flung wide open and I’d finally be able to feel something again.

Maybe this all sounds dramatic, but I feel like I’m running out of time. It’s official now that you and I won’t be at the same school next year, so what if I don’t say anything and I miss any chance I could’ve had with you? What if I do say something and you don’t even remotely feel the same? Will you cut me off and will I lose you? Will I lose the late night conversations and amazing person who understands my ridiculous OCD perfectionism and the smiling friend with no hint of a southern accent who can always cheer me up? Because I don’t know that I could stand that.

The risk is huge, and if I were to lose the friendship I have with you, my heart would only sink lower. But what if you have feelings for me too? What could we be together? What could I lose if I never tell you how I feel?

It all comes down to one question: is a chance at loving you worth the risk of losing you completely?