Change comes... after the tears.

I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go away from the place I’d grown up because I was afraid it would be the last time. I was afraid that this would mark the end of the happy memories, and the beginning of a complete collapse.

I hadn’t even made it to the stop sign at the end of the road before the tears made their way to my eyes, and by the time I turned onto the highway, I was sobbing. Considering how wooded that road is, it was probably dangerous to cry while I was driving instead of being fully alert to watch for deer. But I couldn’t help it. The emotions that I had held back since the moment I found out the news were all hitting me. I thought they’d never come out; I thought I would just accept what happened and keep all sentimentality out of it.

I was wrong.

For months I tiptoed around, not wanting to talk about what was going to happen. And apparently, they wanted to keep it quiet as well. But today the truth that we’ve all known for a while came to the surface, and I felt unbelievably relieved when the casual mention turned into an open conversation. It was only a matter of time before it would come out, and today was the day that the hidden truth finally decided it needed some fresh air and sunlight.

I thought I had to be strong. I said what I felt like I should, and said I’d be here for any need that could ever arise. I meant it all from the bottom of my heart. I would’ve cried as we blessed the food and thanked God for bringing us together, but the tears wouldn’t come at the time, I was afraid of being seen as the only one who wasn’t strong enough to handle the problem. The problem was that it was chaos, confusion, hurt, betrayal, and shock all rolled into one gut-wrenching package deal of a situation.

Once I was finally alone, I realized that from now on, things will never be the same. They will change. The roots that I’m just learning to appreciate are about to be yanked out from under me, from all of us. Where will that leave us? I don’t know. Maybe that’s what scares me is the uncertainty of it all.

I cried. I cried for the whole long stretch of that country highway. I didn’t care that my vision was blurred, I know the route well enough to safely stay on the road. I cried until I couldn’t anymore. I half screamed, half sobbed the word “Why?” until it melted into a moan and another sob.

I’m afraid that once the place is gone from my world, the fond memories will die as well. I can remember nothing but happiness and excitement for going there, and I’m afraid to lose such a happy place in my mind. I’m afraid to leave it, but it’s slipping through my fingers.

I don’t want to hate the people whose decisions caused this mess. I don’t. But forgiveness and recovery is going to be a long road, and I can’t even see the beginning of that road, let alone the end.