I'm just trying to get through.

I feel a single tear slide down my face as I sit in the floor of my bedroom and think about how alone I’ve felt today. I think of my future husband, and wonder if he even exists. I wonder if he’s out there thinking about me, too, and I wonder if he’s as lonely as I am today.

I think to myself that soon, it will happen. Soon, someone will come along, sweep me off my feet, and I will fall in love. Soon, I tell myself, the hole in my heart will be gone and I’ll feel wanted and cherished.

I hate myself for thinking these things, because I know they’re not true. Only God can fill that hole, but my selfish, human nature wants to believe that the hole is completely fillable by a man who will love me. I hate those thoughts because I hate thinking that the only love I have raining on me right now is a kind that doesn’t have a physical manifestation. God doesn’t literally hold my hand; he doesn’t literally wrap his arms around me. Spiritually speaking, he can, and does, do those things, but I feel no physical contact. God is God, and he could reach out and physically touch me if he wanted to, but I know he isn’t doing so because he wants me to believe in that which I can’t see. He wants me to trust even when there is no tangible evidence.

My heart longs for someone to hold me. For someone to tell me that I’m beautiful, and that they’ll never let me go. My heart wants to feel a warm hand in mine, it wants an arm around my shoulder, and it wants a smile that will melt it to the core. But it doesn’t have all of those things right now. All it has as of now is blind faith, and very little of it at that.

My heart wants something tangible, but it’s not in God’s plan for me to have a man in my life right now, and I’m having an incredibly difficult time accepting that. I’m caught between wanting to be patient and wait for His plans for my life and wanting to have those physical proofs that I’m loved.

The result of me being caught is a constant ache. It’s difficult. It’s heart wrenching. During some moments, I’m not sure I can handle it any longer. But somehow I make it through the days, and I cry myself to sleep, praying tomorrow will be better.