I'm not enough.

Today I just don’t feel like enough.

I shut myself in my room to try and accomplish what looked like 3 weeks worth of working, studying, writing, and reading. I haven’t even made a dent in the work; I still have another 5 or 6 hours of working ahead of me before Monday morning. Yet she can do everything she wants to.

I’m not strong enough, I’m too lazy, I don’t eat healthy enough. I try to be pretty but some days I don’t even want to put my contacts in, let alone put on makeup. I wear shorts and a t-shirt everywhere, and she wears a tank top and pearls. I’ll never be enough if I keep comparing. But what do I have that’s any better than her? I’m not as talented; I’m not as shy and “mysterious.” I’m probably going to gain 20 pounds while she stays as skinny as a rail, and she’ll be able to walk to class without an issue while I take the bus because I’m too exhausted to walk. I spend hours and days on end studying, but yet she has time to do her homework and still have time left over to run, go out to events with friends, and go to bed on time. I don’t have the willpower to get out of bed before 9 on a Saturday morning, and yet she does.

I get here, and I’m highly annoyed. I don’t have time to be social, but she has plenty of friends to go to church or meals with.

What am I doing wrong?

Why am I just a face in the crowd, while she gets noticed and accomplishes things? Why am I incapable of being nice to people who annoy me, when she can be just as gracious to everyone she doesn’t like as she is to everyone she loves? I’m a mess, and I make myself terribly angry.