I think last night Satan hacked my dreams with the intention of making me wake up feeling incredibly and painfully alone. I dreamed of, essentially, being in the arms of a guy who loved me.
Just when I was determined that my happiness would not be based upon the presence of a guy in my life, this happens. And as soon as I woke up and thought about it, I realized this is going to be a war. An ongoing, intense, raging war. The devil wants me to see my single self as alone and flawed because I don't have a boyfriend. God, however, wants me to see my single self as free and undistracted from His purpose for me. Until now, I was unaware that this was a war in my heart and mind, one that will be fought for a long time, and one that I will face all day, every day.
Each day I can wake up and choose to dwell on the fact that I'm single. It will become a blinder to me, and I will not be able to see all of the amazing opportunities that God is putting right in my path. I'll ignore the blessings I do have, and I'll start to want everything that I don't have. I'll wallow in my flaws and forget all of the good qualities I have that have brought me to this point in my life. I'll spend my free time looking at myself in the mirror and trying to determine ways to make myself more worthy of a man's love in hopes that one will come along and take notice. I'll start to break and become a mess of a person, but I'll try to hide it all and only make my own loneliness feel magnified.
The other option I have is to wake up each day and dwell on God. My eyes will be opened to all of the blessings He's sending my way because I'll be completely focused on Him. I'll realize how richly He's blessed me already, and I'll learn how to use those blessings in creative ways and enjoy them in my life. I'll still have flaws, yes. But I won't be defined by them, and I'll realize that only God is capable of correcting those flaws in His time, because I can't correct them no matter how hard I try to do so with clothes, and makeup, and hobbies, and trying to be someone I wasn't created to be. I'll still have lonely days, yes. But if I'm focused on God rather than on finding a boyfriend, He'll give me the strength to know that I can lean on Him and lean on my friends and family on those lonely days. I'll still be impatient, yes, but I'll have the hope that God is preparing me to someday meet a man who was created for me, and that hope will give me the strength to save myself for that man.
So, when I woke up, I was consumed with how alone I was, and I became sad at the thought that I'm not wrapped up in someone's arms or holding someone's hand. But when I stop and think about both sides of this war, it's really an obvious decision. I could live dwelling upon my loneliness, but what kind of sad life would that be? I'm choosing to live focused on God, and I'll wait for the man that He's made for me. And along the way, I know I'll have my ups and downs, but I'll always have hope that God has a plan for me, and that will drive me to keep on living for God's glory as I wait for His wonderful plans to unfold.
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